Marie D.
When I look at where I am now, it’s hard even for me to understand where I came from.
Nearly two years ago, when I gave birth handcuffed to a hospital bed, I knew I had reached the very bottom—I felt completely alone, and I was scared. When they took my newborn daughter away two days after she was born, I believed I would never see her again. It broke my heart that my baby wouldn’t know me. I felt like giving up.
I had watched my mother slowly kill herself with heroin when I was a child. When I was 14, I was the first one to find my mother’s body after she overdosed. My father drank, so I had to take care of my younger siblings. Then I began to experiment with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I was tricked into trying heroin at 19, and I became a slave to an addiction. The euphoria took away my pain but could not protect me from the hell that I would have to endure as an addict, it was so much worse than I had imagined.
I still have a hard time coping with what I did. I robbed; I stole from my family; I chose to use heroin and crack when I was pregnant. I will always have to live with the shame and guilt that I didn’t protect my child.
My grandma challenged me to keep going. She has always been on my side through thick and thin. Her words helped me decide to change - ready to fight, not just for my baby, but for my life. I decided I didn’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I didn’t want to keep masking my pain and I didn’t want to go to prison.
I was determined to do whatever I needed to do to win daughter back, so I chose to enter a recovery program instead of serving a five-year sentence when I left the hospital. My DYFS counselor supported me and set up regular visits with my daughter, starting when she was five weeks old – the first time I visited her, there were three babies in the room. I immediately knew which baby was mine.
Even though I had worked so hard on my recovery in that first 6-month program, I knew I didn’t yet have the stability and resources to support my child financially or emotionally. Finding a spot in Eva’s Mommy and Me program made it possible to regain custody of my daughter and to get the support I needed.
The judge who awarded custody congratulated me. She had seen me in her courtroom many times over the past 10 years. Getting my daughter back that day made me proud and scared: Proud because I had accomplished something I doubted I could do. And scared because, though I had two older children - cared for by family members, I had never been a mother. I am grateful that Eva’s taught me how to be a mom. I was afraid my older kids had forgotten me, but my counselors encouraged me to get back in touch with them.
I can see how my daughter has benefited too. I can see how quickly her social skills are growing Now nearly 2 years old, she plays every day with the other children and loves to tag along with the older kids. I couldn’t have given her those experiences on my own. I’ve become close with the other mothers - we are a family. We cook together; we have slumber parties; and family game nights. We are all trying to achieve the same thing - to help each other get through.
I had never been able to imagine a future or myself before I came to Eva’s. My counselors helped me to understand I am worthy of my life and I deserve to succeed. I learned to respect myself. I learned to trust my counselors who helped me work through my trauma, my shame and guilt, and the memories that still haunt me. I’ve learned how to ask for and how to accept help; I had to learn how to set goals to stay on track.
Nearly two years ago, when I gave birth handcuffed to a hospital bed, I knew I had reached the very bottom—I felt completely alone, and I was scared. When they took my newborn daughter away two days after she was born, I believed I would never see her again. It broke my heart that my baby wouldn’t know me. I felt like giving up.
I had watched my mother slowly kill herself with heroin when I was a child. When I was 14, I was the first one to find my mother’s body after she overdosed. My father drank, so I had to take care of my younger siblings. Then I began to experiment with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I was tricked into trying heroin at 19, and I became a slave to an addiction. The euphoria took away my pain but could not protect me from the hell that I would have to endure as an addict, it was so much worse than I had imagined.
I still have a hard time coping with what I did. I robbed; I stole from my family; I chose to use heroin and crack when I was pregnant. I will always have to live with the shame and guilt that I didn’t protect my child.
My grandma challenged me to keep going. She has always been on my side through thick and thin. Her words helped me decide to change - ready to fight, not just for my baby, but for my life. I decided I didn’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I didn’t want to keep masking my pain and I didn’t want to go to prison.
I was determined to do whatever I needed to do to win daughter back, so I chose to enter a recovery program instead of serving a five-year sentence when I left the hospital. My DYFS counselor supported me and set up regular visits with my daughter, starting when she was five weeks old – the first time I visited her, there were three babies in the room. I immediately knew which baby was mine.
Even though I had worked so hard on my recovery in that first 6-month program, I knew I didn’t yet have the stability and resources to support my child financially or emotionally. Finding a spot in Eva’s Mommy and Me program made it possible to regain custody of my daughter and to get the support I needed.
The judge who awarded custody congratulated me. She had seen me in her courtroom many times over the past 10 years. Getting my daughter back that day made me proud and scared: Proud because I had accomplished something I doubted I could do. And scared because, though I had two older children - cared for by family members, I had never been a mother. I am grateful that Eva’s taught me how to be a mom. I was afraid my older kids had forgotten me, but my counselors encouraged me to get back in touch with them.
I can see how my daughter has benefited too. I can see how quickly her social skills are growing Now nearly 2 years old, she plays every day with the other children and loves to tag along with the older kids. I couldn’t have given her those experiences on my own. I’ve become close with the other mothers - we are a family. We cook together; we have slumber parties; and family game nights. We are all trying to achieve the same thing - to help each other get through.
I had never been able to imagine a future or myself before I came to Eva’s. My counselors helped me to understand I am worthy of my life and I deserve to succeed. I learned to respect myself. I learned to trust my counselors who helped me work through my trauma, my shame and guilt, and the memories that still haunt me. I’ve learned how to ask for and how to accept help; I had to learn how to set goals to stay on track.
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When I first came to Eva’s, I looked up to other mothers ahead of me in recovery. Now, I realize the I’ve become a role model for women new to the program. Today, I am looking forward to graduating from the Mommy and Me program, moving with my daughter into our own apartment, and getting back to work. I’m taking advantage of all the resources Eva’s offers— recovery treatment and support and medical and psychiatric care at Eva’s clinic. I was a founding member of the Moms’ Writing Group that formed earlier this year and I’m working on my GED.
I understand that recovery is a lifetime commitment, and that the path ahead will not always be smooth. You have to be willing to be open and ready to put in the footwork. Eva’s taught me that anything is possible as long as you are willing to let them help you. - Marie D. |
